i know its not you to tell me when you're ard
even if you dont see me
but.
why cant you tell it means alot to me?
and you just let it go.
that hurts like crazy, to have others tell me.
to be the last to know.

or maybe i should just stop thinking you were intending on seeing me ard.
i hate assumptions.
and jumping to conclusions.
and letting my thoughts run wild.

wo yao kan de kai.
because we all have rights to freedom.

i know you were online.
or maybe it was jus some echo
someone else.

i dont know.
maybe if i dont talk to you
it'd be less painful.
you always have to remind me.

aand i fell totally in love with james morrison
his words, his music, his voice.
sigggghhhh.

for every piece of me that wants you
another piece backs away
never thought i'd love someone
that was someone else's dream

cos you give me something
that makes me scared, alright
this could be nothing
but im willing to give it a try
please give me something
cos someday i might know
my heart.

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

i sense that something is wrong.
and this jus tears me apart.
i wish... =(

tell me how much hurt are you willing to withstand before you crumble and let go?

i need to know.

yesterday was the hardest day of my life.
i dont blame edmund, i really dont.
i know part of what he says
though blunt
is what God is telling me.

but Lord, this will break my heart.
and not just mine.
because i know the decision lies in me.
what i choose, determines alot of other things:

- direct reaction
- the Chrisitians-who-bother
- the others

and i know, it will be an onslaught of things.
i dont know how Emmett did it Lord.
or what.
i know im not at peace,
You know Lord, that im not at peace.
not until ive found a resolution to this.
You know im torn oh Lord.
because of Your word, and my heart.
please oh Father be kind. =(

and THANK YOU LORD, for jolyne.
thank you that she was there to help me when edmund pulled me into this huge whirlpool.
and threw me questions and forced me to think about them.
but i know, from today on its own time, own target.
my As are first, and i'll not be distracted meanwhile.
settle everything else after that, even if it means
to incur his annoyance.

oh Lord.
please, dont make me do this.
please let me be happy.
please oh Lord, speak to me.
in Jesus' name, amen.

卧薪尝胆破釜沉舟困兽之斗学习计划 says: (11:16:36 PM)
ya so sad

i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (11:18:19 PM)
=(

卧薪尝胆破釜沉舟困兽之斗学习计划 says: (11:18:37 PM)
iwant you to come my house

i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (11:19:10 PM)
but i cant

卧薪尝胆破釜沉舟困兽之斗学习计划 says: (11:19:28 PM)
i want to go your house too

卧薪尝胆破釜沉舟困兽之斗学习计划 says: (11:19:35 PM)
ya i know

i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (11:19:37 PM)
=(

***
i had to blog. cos of this.

卧薪尝胆破釜沉舟困兽之斗学习计划 says: (10:01:08 PM)
bleagh dunno u still make my heart break  sometimes lol


***

i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (10:28:28 PM)
i slpt
i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (10:28:34 PM)
cos wasnt feelign well
i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (10:28:39 PM)
but i regretted slping.
i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (10:28:50 PM)
cos while i was slpign the washing machine was whirling away.
i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (10:29:06 PM)
and den it made those irritating beeping noises to tell the whole neighbourhood our laundry is done
i need to stop sneezing! =( ::사랑해요:: says: (10:29:29 PM)
and tt woke me up cos my dad was too lazy to turn it off. so it beeped for the entire 8 sets of 5 beeps

***

screams at the phone call i got today.
twenty minutes.
i think this will be the like of things to come...
at least for 6 weeks.

45 days.
this is gonna be such a long night.

and i am both charmed and embarrassed
to have taken neoprints with you
before half the sch population

and that you gave me a balloon
screaming "i love shaoning!" in front of the entire right wing
haha.

but now that As are here
im gonna die
trying to survive 6 weeks without you.
i am gonna miss you so damn much
that i pray i will stay focused.

maybe making your heart melt for me
is something that comes naturally.

is it a disorder?
this stark difference
in tone, style, even content
references of same time frames in different frames
and it yields deviation

perhaps once again
it sinks into the subconscious
of who reads what, and how much of me is available for scrutiny by the public eye
dont you know,
you should have prepared yourself for this
welcome to the world of free shared spaces

and yes. to innocence again
what is there to write?
that the passion has finally ceased its haunting?
almost, for it comes back in translucent echoes
and painfully,
to drag myself back into the memory of when i first began.
and to write.

being unappreciated
and how it manifests itself in actions bright eyed innocence seeks to undo
conflict after resolution
she seeks approval from the face she feels only in her sleep
the shadowy ghost of a working parent
efforts dissolve in hurt and dissatisfaction
and what of final communication; getting thru?
devote time and attention.
children spell love differently.

and if i could but put that down
but no. strictly 150- 200 words
talk about your work
and yes im at a loss for words
where rambling terrible prose has taken over.

thank you for changing plans for me
i appreciate it.
i really do.
was initially thinking that id have to go home myself
cos of fac comm treat
but ya thanks.
and all that dismissive remarks
"no i didnt ask; didnt feel like going."
but i knew it mattered
cos even june called up to ask.

heh. :)
because i was feeling sian
but it turned things around.

and yet again, you made me cry.
i wish i could call you a jerk to your face
but i know
i couldnt bring myself to do it.

and when he walked by and gave me a smile and wave
i just died.
i see your face in my head, your smile.

this is bad.
my form of dealing with hurt, maybe.
and im still finding answers
as to why i even wore my heart on my sleeve.
and then you flatter me
try to make me happy, distract me

but cant you see that there's no undoing hurt?
you ask me how you can make up for it
well, i didnt wanna tell you
that i am cloistered,
barricaded 7 times over
when im in that situation and nothing you do can get thru
i have no answers for you.
but a blank wall, my fortress i retreat into

i need constant reminders to protect myself.

"cos baby you arent the only one with moodswings around here
but i jus wish there's some way of reaching you
really reaching you

and then to hold you and never let you go.

but at least i know you're here
i know i have you to hold on to
even if it hurts like a thousand papercuts."

brace.